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A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi. (In front of you, a precipice. Behind you, wolves.)

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Getting Out of the Oven is Not an Option


All right. It's freakin' HOT. I'd get third degree steering wheel burns if I didn't wear gloves. The birds are complaining because their birdhouses aren't air conditioned. I used to wonder why birds flew North for the summer. Now I know. It's because they'd have hard-boiled eggs in their nests. It's so hot that even with the coughworthlesscough swamp cooler on, I look like I just oozed out of the shower. I sure don't smell like it. I smell like I just slogged out of a swamp. Thus the swamp. Not the cooler.

Cooler than what, I ask you? Cooler than the inside of a volcano? Debatable. Cooler than my dad's den after he found out I got a C in Algebra? Barely. Cooler than satan's workshop? Nope. He comes here to get toasty. The Hubs seems to think Death Valley is warmer. I wonder. It can't be all that much hotter. At least there are traveling rocks in Death Valley. Here, nobody does anything outside if they can possibly help it. Funeral for your grandma? Sorry Granny. You're already taking a dirt nap. I'm about to really buy the farm here. See the clothes sizzling? It's not 'cause I'm a babe.

So what's a girl to do? There are just so many clothes you can take off and still be decent. For some reason the kids scream if I wear my preferred outfit. It does tend to scare off JWs and kids selling candy. (Note to self: Stop letting the Hubs answer the door when the Stick Figure comes to sell him stuff.)

We actually went out last summer (a cooler summer than this one, I might add) to the driveway to test my theory that we could bake cookies on the hood of the car. Probably with a few more hours they'd have been done to a nice golden brown. Unfortunately a haboob came up and we took them prematurely inside, not liking gritty cookies. We did try  making scrambled eggs on the car seat, though. They came out grand. There you go. Breakfast in your car on the way to work, if you can do it before your brains boil.

The heat's why they yell around here about leaving your babies (they don't care about the rest of the population apparently), pets, plants, gold fillings, battleships, old refrigerators, iron bedsteads, glass chess sets, welding apparatus, Justin Booboo CD's, and brass pokers in the car. They tend to melt faster than that green witch in the Wizard of Oz. Ever tried to get melted dog off your upholstery? It's miserable.

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