Page the Second


A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi. (In front of you, a precipice. Behind you, wolves.)

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

T'was the Night Before Christmas in Arizona

This is a little late for this year but I just thunk it up.

T'was the night before Christmas
In Arizona--no snow.
The reindeer were striking.
Through the cactus--no go.

They put up their noses
And folded their hoofs
Even though Santa promised
They'd only use roofs. 

"The runners are useless
They'll stick in the sand.
You'll have to use wheels, man, 
And apply 'em by hand."

Then the reindeer departed
To graze in St. David
While Santa must struggle
With his sleigh so deprav-ed.

"What will I do
For propulsion," he asked
Of a slow desert tortoise
Which was out for a bask.

"There are plenty of critters
Just lyin' around.
You might look in the cactus
or a hole in the ground.

At last he was ready
To his team gave a cheer
Though he'd snagged his red suit
On some prickly pear.

His coursers stood ready
What a motley gang.
There were quail and rabbits
And a coyote who sprang.

"On Peckly, On Scraggly, 
On Fleabag and Fluffy
Go Road Pizza, Spot,
Chupacabra, and Scruffy."

To the top of the cactus
To the top of the roof
Came the prancing of narry
A fat reindeer hoof.

They flew through the cactus,
The stickers, and sand.
Santa took off his fur coat
On his sleigh burned his hand.

They went to each stucco-
Encrusted old shack
And Santa soon emptied
His bulging black sack.

By the time he hit our house
He was only in chonies
He was dripping with sweat
His face gaunt and boney.

I handed him water
He gasped out his thanks.
I watered his animals
From our livestock tanks.

While I was working
He filled up our socks.
With snake anti-venom
And pretty quartz rocks.

A roof fan for Mama
A shotgun for Harry
And for me some nice grape juice (since I don't drink tequila)
Would make Christmas merry.

He hitched up his chonies
And turned with a wink
And hopped out the window (no fireplace)
Before I could think.

And laying the whip 
In the air o'er his runners
He raced to the next place
Avoiding drug gunners.

I heard him declare
As he drove out of shot
"Man this place is an oven!
It is certainly hot."

The quail how they chittered
The coyote did bark
The rabbits all squealed
But the sleigh hit its mark

I heard him exclaim as
The cactus he hit
"Oh for cryin' out loud,
There's a spine in my butt!" (or a hole in my suit)

Merry Christmas from Arizona!