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A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi. (In front of you, a precipice. Behind you, wolves.)

Friday, June 3, 2011

Plastic Bag Civilization

I have decided that plastic bags have their own civilization. Bags are hardy (except when carrying pointy things or lots of cans), ubiquitous, and handy for carrying things.

Did I say ubiquitous? Bags are EVERYWHERE! I don't know how it is that I go on bag pogroms all the time--wiping out whole villages of bags in one fell swoop--and yet they still persist. I think bags breed like rabbits in the dark of the cupboard! I mean, what else do they have to do in there? If I didn't regularly send those plastic receptacles off to bag war, I'd no doubt be smothered in my sleep. I'm sure some unexplained murders could in reality be attributed to bored or malevolent bags.

You see bags ghosting down the street like tiny parachutes. You see them stuck on the cactus in the desert. At our house they go for everything from garbage bags to hauling wet swimming suits home from the pool.

And what's with the holey ones? Why would a store give you a bag that already has holes in the bottom? Are they hoping you'll come visit them again REALLY soon? 'Cause I do. I march right back in there and announce, "My tampons just fell RIGHT OUT OF THE BAG! I want a new box!" My children are so proud of me at that moment. I can tell. (Not true. I have enough children that they'd hogtie me in my sleep if I were THAT embarrassing.) Stores should keep the wounded bags in bag hospitals until their holes are healed and THEN send them out into the cold hard world. It's too much to ask of a wounded bag to carry the burdens they are asked to bear.

I have recently developed a bag rescue organization. Yes, all moneys may be sent to my address here in Hades, Arizona. For an example, I am developing new uses for bags as we speak. A few months ago I stuffed couch pillows with them. (Side note: said pillows are pretty worthless in a pillow fight.) I also twist a bag and use it to hang banananananas from the cupboard knobs. The banananananas still turn brown, but they have a great time swinging around on the doors.

For other ideas, send $359 and a self-addressed and stamped envelop to:
12345678 E. Itsreallyhothere street
Hades, Arizona

And enjoy your bags. They apparently love you.

1 comment:

  1. FUNNY! Here in Oregon they are to outlaw plastic bags. You would HAVE to bring your own reusable shopping bag where ever you go (or pay for a bag). Personally, I love to bring my own bags (no holes, nothing falls out) so the law won't affect me, except for the days I forget my bags.