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A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi. (In front of you, a precipice. Behind you, wolves.)

Friday, March 25, 2011


I have just had an experience so embarrassing that it actually dwarfs all other embarrassing situations. If one took all of the embarrassing experiences of this year so far from everywhere within a 250,000 mile radius, jammed them all together, distilled them down into the very essence of mortification, and made a tincture of it, that potent brew would still be a pale copy of this experience.

In fact, all of the trolls worldwide, who feed on embarrassment and mortification are at this moment booking flights to this very area. One hopes they do not explode from over-glut. That would be a huge debacle indeed.

In the history of mortifying instances, this one ranks far above that of the Titanic's owner boasting that his ship would never sink. Mine would rank above the whole global warming idiocy. It would rank above Henry 8's announcement that Anne Boleyn was now not going to be queen after all, as she was losing her head shortly.

If there were a worldwide summit to discuss embarrassing situations, mine would be first on the agenda. In fact, they would have to clear their slates of all other minor snafus and gaffs, be they presidential or otherwise. This one would hog all of the time at the summit. The other minor annoyances would bow down to the puissance that is my unbelievably embarrassing experience.

I am expecting momentarily to be crowned MRS. EMBARRASSING SITUATION UNIVERSE. There'll be a sash and crown. One wonders what kind of conveyance the pageant would send to pick up said winner--or rather loser...;o). The bouquet will most likely be dead of shame.

Because of this very situation, the motion picture academy has agreed to add another classification: E for Embarrassing. I'm going to have my own square on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It'll include a fire hydrant.

I would add an image to substantiate the mortifying nature of this situation, but the blog could not support a picture illustrating embarrassment of such magnitude.

Yes, folks, I am utterly embarrassed.


  1. I hate when that happens. Fortunately, given time the feeling will pass.

  2. Welp...having now examined several ways in which the situation rotted, I have now determined that it is now gratefully in the past, where I can do nothing about it. I have lived through the debacle and come out the other end...er...chastened...or something. And now I can look back at it and laugh nervously.
    There is one way in which this whole situation could become exponentially worse: if there were witnesses, it would add a whole magnitude of suckiness.
    I understand that God saw it. I can only think that He is up there...um...I have no idea what He's doing. He must think that this occurrence will make me better, for some reason, because other than that, there'd be no other reason to cause such a debacle to happen unless one was sadistic, which He most definitely ISN'T.
    At any rate, thank you for your commiseration in this my hour of complete humiliatioin...:o) I shall cherish your words.

  3. We need to TALK! Curiosity is KILLING me!