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A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi. (In front of you, a precipice. Behind you, wolves.)

Monday, February 6, 2017


So I went to the store the other day in search of a Valentines gift my husband wouldn't punt through the back door into the waiting jaws of the dog. Since our anniversary is on Groundhog Day I try to find things at roughly the same time. You'd think it would be easy.

Women are easy. You give her a box of chocolates, maybe some roses or any other plants living or dead (except maybe poison ivy or skunk cabbage), maybe a sweet romantic movie or book or music and she's good.

In fact, she'll love you to bits if you just treat her like a queen and acknowledge the fact that she's your whole world.  She'll rock your world if you show her how much she means to you. I know. I'm a woman.

But it seems to me that Valentines Day is mostly made for WOMEN. "Why is this?" you ask. It's supposed to be all about LOVE. Or so 'they' say. "They" are trying to push all kinds of heart-shaped, fuzzy, cinnamon-scented crap as stuff you'd give your significant other. Yeah. Let's just get him an enormous stuffed animal that will take up all the space in his room otherwise needed for oxygen and comics. As a boyfriend, he'll have the perfect thing to tear the head off of when your relationship goes sour.

Most of that stuff they would punt as soon as your back is turned. Have you actually seen any guy keep a stuffed animal on his bed? Ever? Or lacy heart-shaped pillows stuffed with potpourri? I didn't think so. And there are only so many heart-embossed mugs and smelly candles they'll stand for. He still has music you bought him five years ago for Christmas with the plastic wrap intact on it.

I don't want to give him something that'll encourage him to spend even less time with me. It's counterproductive and against everything Valentines Day actually stands for. That gets rid of computer games, Magic cards, and D&D paraphernalia.  

And movies? Don't even get me started. Most men call anything that doesn't explode or feature tanks, guns, cars, sports, or scantily clad women a chick flick. The closest you can come to a touchy feely love movie is one where the guy just got blown to Kingdom Come and the scantily clad chickie comes and kisses him. So that pretty much leaves every movie with the least loving message out in a blizzard.

So what the heck do you buy a guy for Valentines that he actually wants? 

@>-->-----Tools? 'Cause a new drill so says "I love you, my Sweetheart."
@>-->-----Sweats and a gym membership? Because you love him so much that you want him to be super healthy? See the above retort.
@>-->-----A new set of sleepwear (preferably with hearts)? Because his holes have holes? Meh. Maybe.
@>-->-----A new watch band to replace the one he keeps breaking? Meh.
@>-->-----Fudge? 'Cause you don't want him to be too healthy? That's a possibility unless you still have a pound of it in the freezer from Christmas.
@>-->-----Movie tickets (or sports you can also stand to watch) and an Olive Garden card in hopes he'll share it with you? A little self-serving and sets a bad precedent. What's to then stop him from giving YOU the new drill?
@>-->-----More computer hardware? Not until he gets rid of the other computer crud from your bedroom, bathroom, hallway, kitchen, shed, kids' rooms--in fact every other freaking room in the house. NOPE. Hard pass.
@>-->-----A set of tubs to put his junk in that is cluttering up your bedroom? Right. He'll use them less than you do.
@>-->-----A book? He doesn't even read the ones you've gotten him for the last several Christmases.
@>-->-----How about food? They'd actually like to eat that cinnamon roll more than a candle that just smells like it and reminds him he's hungry all the time. So that's a possibility.
@>-->-----Probably not paint ball gear...'cause he'll shoot you with it.
@>-->-----Pass on the new puppy. Probably. Unless he's really adorable. And intelligent enough to train quickly not to pee on your floor. It's a whole other box of dog doo-doo.
@>-->-----A new truck? Not unless you're independently wealthy--which I'm not. 
@>-->-----Do you settle for socks or a tie? Probably. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

So, hey. If you can think of better options, PLEASE fill up the comment box. I'm open for good suggestions.

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