To
My Daughters:
I recently wrote a letter of
sorts to my sons. This one is to my daughters:
I grew up, like lots of little girls, playing
dress-up and dreaming of the day I would find my handsome prince and
he'd toss me up on his horse, jump on behind, wrap one arm around me, and gallop off into the
sunset to live in his castle happily ever after.
Well for starters, riding double with a saddle is
highly unpleasant. And jumping on there hurts like a mother, I'm told. Castles are damp,
drafty, moldy and often infested with rodents. I know this because I've been to many of them.
Don't let the movies fool you.
Welcome
to reality. Your handsome prince might not be either. He could
be really cute but really twisted and ugly inside. Or slightly toad-like on the outside, but
princely in his ways. He might not own a horse. Ever. Or he might gallop into the
sunset with someone else, leaving you with a screaming princess under
your arm, towering debt, a wasted body, and a shattered life. Maybe your castle is actually a hovel
to begin with. Or always. Maybe you have to go be a scullery maid to
put him through school. Maybe your handsome prince gets sick and dies
early. Maybe he likes you...and twelve other dancing
princesses from the next
castle over. Don't just latch onto the first dude who smiles at you.
And don't expect that just because he takes you to get married in the
temple it's an automatic lock on a life of Eternal Bliss. It takes two of you working like
crazy to keep even a temple marriage intact.
Date lots of people so you
have a frame of reference. You need lots of toads to kiss
before you find the Prince. Don't just fall into his arms because
nobody else has opened his, or because all your friends are getting
married. Or because he sweet talks you into it or serenades you under the stars. Or any other reason but that you love each other deeply and
know you can build an Eternal life together. Love alone can't do it. You need hard work on both sides. To start with, you need to have a good enough frame of reference so that you can spot fallacies and problems before they blow up in your face. It's like not relying on one grape to make your juice with. What if that grape is the sourest, most awful grape there is, but you only find out after you've opened the bottle and taken a swig? You need a whole bunch of different grapes to choose from. After the choice? That's it. No more tasting other grapes. You're done. Cap the bottle and rejoice in the vintage.
Life doesn't conform to your
plan. You plan for life. Don't just wait for a
rescue. Make your own stories. Don't just wait for his. You
might not meet your handsome prince until you get old and prune-y.
You might not meet him at all. Things happen. Make a plan. If you sit around
waiting for the cherry guy to fall into your arms, you could be
waiting a long old time. Go out into the world. Learn how to live on your
own. Learn how to live within your budget. Go to school. Get a skill set. Learn to work hard. Go on a
mission if you feel called. Explore what kind of Child of God you
really are. Get a degree. Learn to do things that make you happy.
Learn to serve others. Get out of your cocoon and be a butterfly. Be
worth something. Learn to be a well-grounded adult person before you become an "us." Be flexible, because if there's anything I've learned, it's that plans
always change. But at least have a plan. Do your best. Above all, be excellent.
Be logical about your
must-have list. Expecting a guy to be
perfect is ridiculous. There has only ever been one perfect man on
this planet and you'll not be lucky enough to go out with Him. So you're going to
have to logically decide what are definite must-have qualities and skills, and what items
are just perks. Because if your guy is missing a few of your
must-haves, they might not be changeable. Remember, though, that if
your guy's nearly perfect, (somehow) won't he expect the same kind of
perfection? Who is he when you
aren't around? Does he change like a chameleon with his surroundings? Do you trust him? Do others? Ask.
Expecting him to change for
you is ridiculous. You might be
completely ga-ga over him and find out that he can't keep a dime in
his pocket. Changing that will be impossible. If he's casual about
his priesthood responsibilities, that probably won't change. Laziness
will stick. Dishonesty will still be there when he's eighty. If he skates along the
raggedy edge of the law, hit the ground running, before he brings out the ring.
Essential things about him will stay the same or only change for a
little while. It's human nature. Keep that in mind. That's why you take your time.
Make
a must-be list. For yourself. You can't
expect him to do all of the changing. He won't. You're going to need
to make changes. You're the one you can control. So choose right,
before the problems arise. Change things about yourself that are weak
or unpleasant. Make this a habit, not just something you do right
before he comes to the door to pick you up. I had a roommate in
college who was a full on slob. She'd race around the room tossing
things in the closet and under the bed, hoping he'd think she was a
good housekeeper, when in reality she sucked at it worse than the
vacuum she never used. That's bait-n-switch. How would you feel if he
was doing the same thing? Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
What are you like when he's around? And when he's not? Does being with
him encourage you to be a better person? Or do you turn into the owner
of a few dozen flying monkeys?
If you're a horse and you
marry a rhinoceros, expect trouble.
You're already going to have some problems meshing your lives
together. If you add in extra differences, the mountain of problems
increases exponentially. If you have mismatched (or nonexistent)
spiritual beliefs, or come from other cultures, you'll have a much
rougher road. You'll have to make extra decisions not only for
yourselves, but for your children. If you go bullishly ahead with
your choice, just know that you'll have to deal with the consequences
sooner or later. You need to discuss how you'll make it work before
he slides that ring on your finger and the kids come along.
Great Expectations can be a
killer. Go into it with your eyes open.
Life isn't going to be all roses and smiling cherubs. There are
Maleficent Moments in everyone's existence. Be prepared. Be strong.
Suck it up. Running home to mommy is for pansies. But getting occasional wise
council from her is smart. Your parents love you and want the best
for you. They've been there, done that, and ripped up the t-shirt for
rag material.
Train him early to talk with
you. It's supremely important. You can't
expect him to read your mind because half the time he'll be in his
computer game world and you won't even be a blip on the horizon. You
have to be able to work things out in a way that doesn't give you
ulcers or get you locked up for assault with a deadly frying pan.
Take
some time. Some girls take more time to pick out a pair of shoes than
they do a boyfriend. I had dated lots of other guys. But when it came to my previous husband, I was stupid. I
only took four (4, vier, quatro, chi, IV, yes four) days of dating
and hanging out to decide to say 'yes' to my ex (the operative word
being EX). Don't get me wrong. He had credentials. He was talented, studly, and sweet. I simply didn't give myself long enough to really explore the
guy's personality. I had no good idea what made him tick. I had no
clue what happened when he got mad. I could have talked to his best
friend and found that, in reality, he was a pathological liar. I
could have found out that he was actually in love with himself and
any girl who worshiped him. I could have found out that he couldn't
be bothered to keep a job. And I could have found out that he had a
drinking problem. I didn't give it enough time. I didn't want
anything to pop the euphoria bubble I was bouncing around in. Bad
mistake. Take plenty
of time to get to know him. You need to let him reveal that seamy underbelly if he's got one. And that'll take longer than a month or two. What's he like when he's mad? What's he like when the money runs out? Or if he gets lots of it? What's he like when it comes time to make major decisions?
Infatuation isn't love. We
went straight from the ex guy serenading me in the Spanish from his mission,
to the physical kissing. I was completely hooked. If you go straight
to being physical, hormones take over your brain and you lose that
ability to think intelligently about anything at all. And you won't listen to
council from friends or family, either. After the initial loss of all
cognitive ability that comes with the kissing and cuddling, comes
that period when you've ripped off the mask and see the
not-quite-as-handsome guy beneath. Give yourself a chance to
experience that before saying "I do." Too many girls just jump at that
bubbly feeling they get from kissing (or Heaven forbid sleeping with)
the guy. Then when the mask comes off and they see the warts and
moles and boils of his actual personality, they freak.
When you marry him, you
marry his family. If you don't think
that's true, you'll be in a world of hurt. His family raised him.
Sometimes people can rise above their upbringing. Sometimes they
can't. Sometimes they go the complete opposite of their parents'
upbringing, instead of finding a happy medium. How he treats his
mother (especially when he doesn't think you're looking) is how he'll
treat you. Remember, his parents are going to be your kids'
grandparents.
Sitting around all the time
eating bon bons and watching Netflix or reading romances all the time is uncool. He'll
hopefully be going off every day to work hard to put food on your
table and a roof over your head. If you sit around all day doing
nothing, how is that fair? You don't have that right. Growing up
means you accept responsibilities, not just that you can stay up
longer and eat what you want. It means your efforts should match his.
You aren't the Queen of the World and you aren't the scullery maid.
You're his partner, which means you work hard too. It means sometimes
you have to fix things. Sometimes you have to kill your own mouse.
Sometimes you have to dig up the garden or landscape the backyard. And
you can't always expect him to come home from his grueling job and do
all your work too. Do your own. Give 130%.
Remember that relying on
someone else to make you happy is a fallacy.
You
choose to be happy or not. If you need a guy to prop you up, you're
going to be disappointed and unhappy a huge chunk of your life.
Because at some point he's going to disappoint you. He'll definitely
do things that make you want to bury him in the backyard. That's a
given, probably by the end of your honeymoon if not sooner. If you let those things knock you off your perch, you'll be
running to a lawyer as soon as he does something stupid or treats you like you are. You have to
know who you are and that you are loved and a valid, intelligent,
gifted, worthwhile person in your own right. His love doesn't make
you worth something. God's does.
You didn't marry Mr.
Goodenough. Stop looking for Mr. Right after you get married.
Your husband is IT. The words "Married for Time and all
Eternity" should mean something to you. Those words don't mean
married until rough seas make you feel like barfing. They don't mean
married until someone cuter or richer or better in bed comes along.
They mean you're married until long after the world ends and the Sun
explodes. They mean you've got
your man forever. Stop looking. Stop comparing. Be true to him in
your heart and mind and actions. He'll be able to tell. He'll be your
Prince if you let him be.
Be true to your man. You expect him to be true to you. Return that service to him. You wouldn't want your guy to be off with his friends discussing your every fault and foible behind your back. There's a fine line between working out your troubles with a trusted female confidant and just spouting off the things that bother you about him. This is something I've had a difficult time with.
Don't allow other guys into the marriage hideout. Don't make someone of the opposite sex that isn't your husband a confidant. It's too easy to get emotionally involved with them and destroy your marriage because you've allowed another man to dig into personal and intimate details of your marriage. They can't solve your problems with your husband. All they can do is commiserate, which is juggling dynamite.
There are absolutely some
things you DON'T have to put up with.
Things can change even if you've done all your homework. You don't
ever have to put up with being battered. You don't have to put up
with him sleeping around with other people. You don't have to put up
with porn. You don't have to put up with someone who hurts your
children (and I'm not just talking about the occasional much-needed
smack). You don't have to put up with criminal behaviors. If you
choose to put up with these things, you do so at your own and your
children's risk, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You are not a punching bag or a doormat. You are a
Child of God. You are the Queen he chose to marry. Don't risk your
Eternal Salvation to stay with an evil person.
Always remember that there
are people who will love you whatever happens--God, Christ, and your
parents. We want and expect you to
succeed. We know that you can't do that without being close to the
Lord and following Christ's example. If you make the Godhead the third
partners in your marriage, you'll have a successful life. Your parents are there to talk to, and sometimes council with. But remember that the Bible asks us to cleave unto our husbands (no, that doesn't mean take a meat cleaver to him). That means when you get married, your husband is in charge with you, not your parents. Run to Heavenly Father first, your husband second, and anyone else last.
